Kameo. I don’t know why.

I got Kameo when the system launched back in November, played it for maybe two hours, and didn’t touch it again. I didn’t hate it or anything, and in fact thought it had some fun game mechanics. Setting up huge chains of enemy kills and hit combos by switching between monsters struck me as the kind of thing that would be fun once I got into the game a bit more, and then I didn’t touch it for six months straight.

Cue up a day off with nothing planned, boredom setting in, and a quick scan of the gaming rack to see what I hadn’t played and there’s Kameo, begging for attention. It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do, so in it goes.

And now I’ve got a game to actively play, something I hadn’t had for a while. I’ll be the first to admit that Kameo isn’t brilliant or anything, but you get to beat on hordes of trolls and solve some simple puzzles, so what the hell.

In unrelated news, Xyanide is actually coming out for the Xbox in July. It’s a shooter that showed up at E3 two years running, was only somewhat decent, and then disappeared off the face of the earth. I’d forgotten it existed until I noticed its listing on the release schedule. I’ll probably snag it out of sheer curiosity rather than any expectations of quality, and besides, it’s $20.

In the gaming industry, EA Games is the kid in high school who’s so afraid of becoming unpopular that they’ll say or do anything thing to fit in. With no identity or goal in mind other than ensuring they’ll win the popularity contest, more and more craptacular titles keep getting produced. Their soundtracks are laughable at best which means they’ve either hired Michael Bolton as their musical consultant or they refer to MTV’s top 20 list on a weekly basis. Now of all the abominations EA has created the one that puzzles me the most is the infamous Madden series.

First of all this is John Madden we’re talking about. The man could sneeze on a toilet seat in a public restroom and it would sell for no less than five grand on Ebay. So of course NFL fans shell out fifty plus dollars annually for a game with his seal of approval. My best friend happens to be one of those fans and would gladly take a bullet for Sir Madden. I’ve got to admit he’s quite talented at the game. So talented in fact that it’s the only video game he’s able to beat me in. Being the hardcore fan that he is he claims that Madden is the pinnacle of the football experience and here’s where he and I differ.

Let me just say that although I’m a hardcore gamer, sports games are not my cup of tea. In my opinion sports games should honestly be played on the court or field as nature intended (with the exception of Top Spin 2 because the game rocks). I can land six consecutive fierce dragon punches but I’ll be damned if I can run the ball upfield six yards. Compared to the the ESPN football games Madden is sub-par and not only in price range. The players move like members of a marching band so obviously there wasn’t a lot of time or effort put into the animation process. I especially love how the wide recievers are capable of pulling off six no look catches per game. Awareness equals ninety-nine almost every play in this game. To add even more realism to Madden sometimes the ball passes right through their helmet to score the winning touchdown. Show me the money!

Since I’ve already used John Madden’s name a number of times I probably owe him about five thousand dollars purely from royalties. I’m so glad we have an authority in sports who isn’t just out to make a dollar.

So I rented Rockstar Games Presents Table Tennis from the ol’ Blockbuster last night. Yeah, I was surprised that it was available too. Just a little dumb luck.

I had actually been contemplating purchasing a copy, but my recently self-imposed “I buy no games at release until hearing feedback about them from people I trust because I have been burned by garbage too many times” prevented me from doing that. Of course, that did not stop me from buying Field Commander today at the mall, but that’s only because my wife went into the Gap and left me to my own devices in the Gamestop. But I digress.

Anyway, I got home and after I put my wife to bed and popped open a cold Hoegaarden (if you don’t know, don’t ask) I cranked up Table Tennis. The training was fine, instructing me on the basics then nuances of the game. I started to get annoyed at the whole “counterspin” mechanic, since it’s based on color recongition and it’s damn tough to spot a color and match it on the controller in the split seconds between volleys.

After training, I went into an exhibition, and I really started hating everything about the game. I can’t figure out what, but I just don’t…like….anything. The graphics are nice, the sound is fine, but the gameplay is just inherently repetitive and, well, boring. I mean, it’s PING-PONG for crying out loud.

The action moves so fast that it’s really just a twitchfest…..over and over and over. To top it off, after about 45 minutes my thumb was developing a callous more painful than any gaming injury ever encountered. After an unseccessful bout in a tournament championship (by the way, the first two opponents were jokes but the gold-medal opponent immediately became an unstoppable force) I had enough and watched last week’s Big Love on Tivo.

Why do my friends like this game? Why is it getting high review scores? How can anyone play this for more than 30 minutes without going numb from boredom?

So far, my disdain for this game is intense. Maybe multiplayer with a buddy will change my surly attitude. But I doubt it.

If you’re thinking about getting this game, for God’s sake rent it first. Please.

As I loosely touched upon a bit earlier, there’s a key scene revealed towards the end of the credits… a scene which, had I bothered to visit FilmForceIGN “tip” for those planning to see X-men: The Last Stand, probably would have led to less mixed feelings.

Basically it encourages moviegoers to “stay in their seats… the movie isn’t over.” By now most of you probably know what this is about. If so, please don’t spoil it for the others by posting about it. This is a surprise that’s best left discovered for those that still haven’t been to the theatres.

Thanks IGN. *tips hat*