According to the history books, Native Americans rescued an entire colony of fake americans (called pilgrims) from starving to death. To show their appreciation, the pilgrims hunted the native americans to the point of near extinction, and stole their land. With the red skins gone, and more land to build convenience stores on, the pilgrims had much to be thankful for. With that single act, phase one of the white man’s tyrannical reign began, and Thanksgiving was born.

If you’re like me, nothing brings a bigger smile to your face than being trapped in a house with your most unwelcome family members. From your aunt with the smokers voice to your drunken uncle who excels at shouting expletives, it’s a 12 hour act of fiegning sencerity while frequently sneaking glimpses at your watch. The host of the occasion is cursed with feeding all four-hundred guests, but blessed with the satisfaction of knowing that the very meal they’re creating is simultaniously torturing everyone in the house.

The delicious (or sometimes even disgusting) aroma wafting through the house is one of the most effective spells in exsitence. It forces everyone within a six mile radius to be civil to one to another regardless of their differences. Of course a meal large enough to feed a small army takes no less than 14 hours to complete, but each family member who isn’t present at the start of its preparation, forfieits their portion of the meal. Therefore, everyone is forced to show up rediculously early or risk starvation.

Before everyone stuffs their gaping maws with turkey meat, it’s customary to say a prayer. It’s also customary for each family member to roll dice to determine who will lead said prayer. First person to roll a two and a four first wins. It’s symbolic of how many seconds that person will pray for before ending it abruptly with an “amen”. Unbeknownst to the lead prayer, everyone else was thinking about the simple pleasures they’ve been missing out on such as lesbian porn or guitar hero, but the first taste of the forbidden meal negates all desires.

I apologize for disclosing the truth of this day so abruptly, but my hungrer has driven me mad with wordsmithy. Hunger and liquor have the same effect on me, and there is no remorse. I’ve written this blurb with frequent interuption, and the most secretive Hot Pocket breaks. Wish me luck. I’m off to battle the other members of my madenning blood line.

It’s a sad day when you discover the subject you think you’re a god in is the subject you’re only really really rediculously good at. My recent employment at EB Games is supposed to be a cake walk, but thanks to the barrage of questions thrown at me daily, I’ve come to realize I need to broaden my gaming knowledge.

I feel like I just found at that I’m really a white guy. That’s the half truth. I am a white guy, but only on the inside. I dare you to find a bigger uncle Tom than me. Hell, I can’t even genuinely rap along to 2Pac without my friends mocking me and/or giving me strange looks. Now that you know where I’m coming from, I’ll continue.

Today this guy asked me about a Zelda compelation disk I didn’t even know existed and when he called me out on the fact that I didn’t know about it, he might as well have kicked me in the nuts. I’ve played about four PC games since I converted to console gaming and this nerd totally floored me with his knowledge of strategy games. I freakin’ love strategy games! What the f*ck is my problem?! All I know is no one better ask me about any RPGs. That last one I’ve beaten is FFX. Pete, help me out here dude. Rescue me from the coming wave of embarassment.

Last week I came one step closer to achieving my goal of becoming the ubernerd. Playing video games wasn’t enough; nor was writing about them. The more I venture into the world of gaming, the more I want to be around them. On the inside I’m a 400 pound man feeding off the dead carcasses of every game I’ve ever beaten, and I’m only getting fatter. My appetite is never satisfied. So to ensure I’d die of a virtual heart attack, I did the only thing I could. I got a job at EB Games.

Getting the job was easier than getting rejected by a beautiful woman. It took little to no effort at all. As the English fellow with the accent thick as your moms cottage cheese thighs rang up my trade-ins I asked if they were hiring. The other guy behind the counter (whom I later found out was the manager) replied with “We’re always hiring. You want an application?” I resisted my natural instinct to look at him like he was stupid and said “Sure”. After I finished my business I went out to the car, filled out the application, slipped in a copy of my resume, and walked back into the store where the manager immediately flipped through it and told me to “hold back a minute”. What followed was the easiest job intererview I’ve ever had in my life.

When the manager got done looking over my resume he said he was ready to offer me a job right then based on what he saw desprite the fact that I have no retail experience. He hired me for three reasons:
I’m a gamer
He could tell that I’m clean (meaning I don’t smoke pot)
He liked my attitude.
I’m going to have to disagree with that last one. Ask anyone I know. I’m a complete asshole. Fortunately I’m a terrific actor. Brad Pitt’s got nothing on me, besides the millions of women that would have sex with him. That’s the only thing that seperates us.

Starting today I’ll be hounded by nerds, mothers who have no idea what they’re looking for, and the occasional female gamer. I’ve stepped on another stone of opportunity and now all that’s left is a life of celibacy.

If you’re a gamer you know summer time is the most uneventful time of year. The excitement and build up of E3 is as evenly matched by the extended calm that follows it. Developers must either go on vacation or start drinking on the job to produce the shitty titles that get released during these long months. I picked up a DS Lite today making me offcially cool, but even after playing it for hours I couldn’t help but think about the other purchase I made today.

Let me first preface this story by saying my Xbox 360 has been collecting dust for weeks. There’s only a few titles I can say are worthy of purchasing and right now I own four. I’ve returned two. For the love of god, stay away from Blazing Angels. If someone gave it to me for free I would still refuse to take it. Just trust me on this one. During the exchange at my local EB GAmes I traded enough games to gain a $150 credit so I picked up the DS and a used copy of Fight Night: Round 3. Normally I don’t play sports games, but the first game was good enough for me to give it a try and ever since I popped this game in I can’t stop playing it.

We live in a very exciting time. The graphics on consoles finally rival that of PC games. Fight Night is f*ckin’ beautiful on the 360 and sounds just as good. I’ve finally found a game to rejuvinate my loyalty for the console I’d abandoned  so many weeks ago. Oh Xbox 360, how I yearn for thee.

There’s a question I’ve been meaning to ask for a while to determine whether or not my gaming habits are a bit odd. Does anyone constantly play their DS with the sound off like me? So long as I’ve owned mine I’ve played it this way. Not with the GBA or even the SP. Just the DS for some reason. Get back at me people.