The Mushroom, Sept. 20

Tropical storm in China; NES consoles fail to function

CHINA - A press statement released today states that the Chinese government expects that a tropical storm ravaging southern portions of its country could cause the week's death count to jump into the millions.

In related news, NES consoles all across the United States refuse to work.

"All I want to do is graduate and then play Mendel Palace for the rest of my life," said Jesse Fleurant, 17, a high school senior, whose graduation ceremony is in several hours, with an NES that does little more than display a flashing blue screen, "But it looks like I’ll only be able to meet half of my goals."

After an hour of trial and error, Fleurant found the key that can get his NES to work even when 100-miles-per-hour wind and rain are tearing Chinese people apart: having his younger brother, Mickey, stand five feet away from the console, jump up and down on one foot, with one hand on his knee while the other is curled into a fist smashing his left nipple.

American boxing underdog loses match, racism suspected

After adjusting the cart around in his system and pressing the "Reset" button nearly two dozen times, Jake Souder succeeded in getting Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! to turn on. He ten proceeded to guide Little Mac through the initial matches with sneaky jabbing, well-timed uppercuts, and tactful dodging, though he eventually lost to Don Flamenco by judge's decision.

"Inconceivable," Souder commented, "Well, Don Flamenco is Spanish and the referee is Italian. I think they were in cahoots. You can’t trust those swarthy European bastards."