The Mushroom, Sept. 27

Area man unable to commit to RPG

CHICAGO, IL - Abe Koelster has finally decided to give up on Valkyrie Profile after owning it for two years but only putting in three hours of actual playtime.

"I'm going to sell Valkyrie Profile," Koelster said, "It's the best for both of us since I just can't give it the time that it wants. It'll be happier with a more avid gamer who can commit more attention to it because from what I've seen, this game is really original."

Koelster is now considering something not quite as time-intensive, such as Philosoma or Punky Skunk.

Mom discovers there is no Zelda on PlayStation 2

ELIZABETHTOWN, KY - Hoping to please her 12-year old son Clinton, soccer mom Katherine Luckow was intent on purchasing the new Zelda for the PlayStation 2, only to find out that one did not exist, and that there were no plans for one in the foreseeable future. The manager of the Electronics Boutique she visited attempted to explain how "Zelda" was a "Nintendo" property, that "Sony" was a direct rival, and how it would be foolhardy to put a profitable "game" on a competitor's "console," though Luckow refused to listen.

"Look here," Luckow said loudly, alarming nearby customers, "I'll report you to your district manager if you don't sell me the game. I know it exists, you fucking idiot."

Luckow has vowed to stay away from Electronics Boutique and video game stores in general, and let Clinton find his own means of entertainment, which, at the moment, includes downloading hip-hop mp3s and pornography.